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How to approach a dominant female

Updated: Aug 9

So you want to be a sub? Cute. I receive a lot of requests from newbies.

As far as seeking lifestyle subs, no matter how many times I write “serious inquires only” or “say something interesting” this will fall on deaf ears. One of the things I’ve learned is that good subs (real subs) need a lot of training and specific instruction. So being the generous woman I am, I am providing plenty of it from the get-go.

Perhaps you’ll start reading this and get annoyed or triggered or turned off. Perfect ! In many ways, this is a quick litmus test to gauge if you are the kind of sub this kind of Domme actually wants to play with.

Below is a frame work for how to approach a Dominant woman. BTW Enjoy the complexity, sluts.

1. Mind your P's and Q's. Meaning, know how to use manners and be a mindful person! Imagine you’re in a situation where you want to present your best self (hint, you are) Introduce yourself, by name, offering a relevant, benign detail (age, location) NOT cock size or description. Give a one-sentence greeting acknowledging your interest in Me specifically (not a generic copy and paste) - and then politely complete with a thank you. That’s it. KEEP IT SIMPLE SWEETHEART- if She’s into you, She will respond. Show patience.

2. Don’t follow up - this is stalkerish, desperate, annoying. Re-read above.


3. If she shows interest, respond with gratitude without being obsequious. This is a delicate balance you’ll learn to handle with time.

4. Once the conversation has been made and She seems interested, concisely let Her know about yourself - experience level, a short anecdote about what drew you into kink, something you’d like to explore. Respect Her time, answer questions She’s asked and don’t deviate off-topic with some long story because this is forcing Her to do unnecessary emotional labor.

5. Repeat step three.

6. Tell Her something interesting about yourself to set yourself apart from the pack. What are your talents or skill sets? Are you hot? Smart? A great handyman? Will you whip up Her taxes in a Jiffy? Wash Her car by hand? Don’t offer to do something you suck at - that’s a waste of time. Think about offering your REAL skill sets as a sub. Every bozo can offer amazing ass worship. This is a reward to work towards, not something to lead with.

7. Approach the next step as if it is an informational interview. If you're new, ask Her how she would advise you to learn more and growing in your training. Be open to reading books, blogs, and doing more homework. Do not put her in the position of educating you on the basics of what sub/Domme is and specifically what you want out of it because She doesn't live inside of your head! Lead with what the affirmative, what you want to feel, how you want to grow. While it is important to list boundaries, lead with what you want to experience and where you will push your edge. Have a positive mental attitude. Be willing to try new things. Don’t be afraid to say you’re uncomfortable with something. Be honest, direct, specific, and show humility.

8. Repeat step three.

9. Learn from the experience. Use the experience of reaching out to fine-tune your communication skills. Remember that like any mutually beneficial relationship, you are essentially interviewing each other and learning about where you are aligned and where you can explore. Regardless of the asymmetrical power dynamic that is Domme/sub, you are two humans with fundamentally human needs. Above all else, you are learning to communicate, self-advocate and articulate your boundaries through an unorthodox relationship. You are responsible for your reactions to your feelings and learning to process them as a result of this dynamic. At this stage, you are not contractually bound so don't take anything personally. If She doesn't respond, it isn't meant to be. File it away and perhaps return to it in the future. I've had experiences where I initially hear from somebody once but for whatever reason we don't connect until months or years later. This is just how these things work sometimes, so surrender yourself to the process. That said, if I receive messages that in the very least don't even carry the essence of my above framework, I will delete and block. Life is just too short.

xxx Emma, Katniss &Shila






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